Tiny girl having tiny crisis.
It seems I am growing up.
I fought hard and sometimes with teeth to follow the path of theatre. I fought my school, I fought my parents, I sometimes fought lovers. (I did not always win. But I did always live to fight another day.)
Over the last year or so, something strange has happened to me.
I have very gradually given up.
I don't want to fight anymore.
It feels a bit horrible. All those people who say you just have to believe enough, or want it enough or fight enough, it turns out they are not entirely right.
It hurts a bit.
I want to believe in dreams. I want to have ideals and I want to look cynicism squarely in the eye and sneakily stamp on its toes.
Maybe my dreams have changed.
Because it is not possible to have such things as houses or dogs or children if one is a starving artiste.
(Literally starving. Or at the very least entirely fed up with pasta.)
I have met a man who I want to have a whole life with. And that does sort of entail me being able to actually have it. Monetarily. Even though I hate that I have just typed that. GRR.
But I want to see things with him and do things with him and become, I don't know what, just not someone who is struggling and desperate and made frozen by lack of resource.
I do not think that is what life is about.
There are Things in life. Like other countries for example. And dogs. And children. I might have mentioned that before.
Do I seem superficial?
Oh, I am having a little tiny crisis.
(I am sure it will pass.)
I apologise.
It is not exactly articulate.
And also, I do not know what to do about it.
7 comments:
Follow your heart.
You can never go wrong with that.
People automatically think that following your heart must mean the whole 'commiting to someone' thing, but no. I don't think it is. If you have dreams, if you feel deep down inside that you want to follow a certain path, be it a career, being with a certain someone, having children, whatever....then my advice is to dig deep down and follow your heart.
It's normally your head that fucks things up.
You are wise bedshaped. Now I just have to have rummage around and see what's in there...
Follow your knees. Whatever is written on the back of them in tiny writing is right.
Oh Mr M. Stevenson esq. you are so clever. The writing instructs me to... oh I shall have to wait til hub gets home. I cannot read it upside down.
Ah, darling. Some people just give up at the first hurdle and work for the man to buy 'happiness', some people are good at doing their vocation and living on lentils and baked beans. The former tend to be shells of humans that own a lot of electrical goods, the latter are internally happy and very worthy - but fart a lot.
Me? I'm a compromise girl. I do what I have to in order to do what I want.
You'll find your way, sweet, darling lady, I just know it xx
Bless you Angie. xxx
Bless you Angie. xxx
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